I feel broken…

I have run across a wonderful support group on Facebook for us girls who are (or had) endometriosis. The sisters I have met through this group have been very supportive and informative.

Today is March 2nd and since March is endometriosis awareness month everyone is sharing more and more information. I spent a very emotional morning online looking at all of the pretty yellow ribbons, t-shirts, posters, etc. Some of that was because I was hurting so bad. I try to remain positive all the time. It’s hard because I know that some people just can’t understand what I (and my other sisters) go through on a daily basis. It doesn’t mean that they don’t care or don’t love us or don’t want to see us in pain every blessed day. I try to cut those folks some slack…That doesn’t always work out in their favor.

I understand that it’s hard to understand something you can’t see – my husband is diabetic. I worry all the time about his health. I’m seeing how this disease is slowly destroying him. I think that having endometriosis has helped me to identify with him and what he goes through on a daily basis. I believe it helps him to identify with what I go through.

I am three months into this second round of Lupron injections and I have to say I’m not very happy with this experience…The first time I took it I really enjoyed the relief. This time it’s not helping as much.

I still have days of no pain but it will slowly sneak up on me. It can be something as simple as laughing, getting up too fast, and I’ll double over in pain. Some days I have rolling cramps. I swear it’s like being in labor! My lower abdomen gets rock hard and the cramp will peak then slowly go away. I’m left shaking and teary eyed. Most of the time I have an ache in the small of my back on the right side (closest to my hip). I have problems stretching on the right side which makes me worry about adhesions. I had a lap surgery in December 2009 and I was told by my GYN that she did not see any adhesions specifically in that spot because it’s always bothered me.

I will be planning a complete hysterectomy for March of next year. I THINK I’m ready. I’ve gone through this before and changed my mind to the exasperation of my husband. In his mind if the affected body part is “bad” then it should be removed. In my mind, I’m loosing a part of myself – one of the parts that makes me a woman. That just scares the shit out of me! I’m scared of the surgery itself but I’m more scared of the grief after the surgery. I know I’ll be grieving the loss and I just hope the surgery will take care of the endometriosis. I’m fully aware that it might not and I’m trying to prepare for that before it comes.